I was known as the girl who never wary of what had happen to me. When I fall for the first time, I will try for the second chance and when I fall on the second time I will keep trying until I know I got things right. Well, for some things this habit is good but for some other things it may be a bad news and an unhealthy thing to do. I used to give people their second chances even until now. I don't really care what might affect my feeling and sometimes I got numb of what people say as a sadness. For example, if a friend stab me from my back, I will just look and smirk for a while and then forget about it for the rest of the day. I told them I don't really care that much of who might hates me for what I didn't do. Somehow, for the past few weeks I felt something different inside me. There is this feeling where I felt that there is a big hole that is just so heavy. This heart is just carrying too much weight which I don't even bother to see. When I tried to unzip it, its just overflowing and can't be close again. It spills everywhere and it hurts the people arounds me. I take a deep breath and let myself alone trying to tidy up the messy heart.
My friends said that I should give myself a break but I know it won't be that bad at all. You see, deep inside I know that I'm a lucky girl that God gave me a gift that I could manage all my problem by my self just fine. I think for people in my age, I am doing such a great job that I could keep all my feelings really tidy and my emotions in balance. I am not doing this just because I knew that I had to but I have had the experience where being an open person brings me to a deep shit. The experience made me the kind of person who try to narrow the people I really trust.
Have you ever had that glad moment where you actually had your parents as your family? I mean, not the kind of parents where they just leave you some money and have your own life but the kind of parents who's really there even they're not around you and the kind of person you trust. You see, I live on my own in this big city but I never forget to thank God how grateful I am having my parents as my family. I always felt that they are here watching and supporting me. Magic happens is when they suddenly call me on the moment I really need assistance. Having a conversation with my parents is the kind of love that you never imagine before. It reminds me of how the feeling of being a child again, the feeling of being a kid where you don't need to think about your problems. That is how I really felt when my parents calls me, a true Paradise.
My parents always gave me an unexpected surprises. For example a few weeks ago, Apple released their New iPad. Never thought in my mind that I will get one but I did get one. I don't know how else to thank my parents for what they did for me. Sometimes I feel that I just don't deserve all of this stuff from them. I feel that I'm just not being good enough as a daughter but I promised to my self that I won't break their heart and their hopes on me. I'm working as hard as I could and I just don't want to upset them or make them disappointed. Insya Allah, God will always show me the way.
I know I'm a warrior and I won't give up that easily but for now I want to give my heart a little rest. My heart has work hard enough and deserve a chance to breathe. From now, let me the one who takes care of this, not my heart.